Time
3 years ago I would not have thought that it would not take me too long to settle down into a life without the presence of my Dad. It was unimaginable. His death shook me up extremely, but I can't, for the life of me, think that all is lost, or that I'm rendered rudderless by the death of my father. I think of him a lot,but not with sadness, or twinge of despair - but very matter-of-factly; Dad liked this dish, he joked like this and so forth. It is more fond remembrances, remembering what he said, his opinions, what little I learnt from him (so valuable now). But I don't sense the urge of think of what would be my life now if he was here, would I have made the same decisions? I dont feel like conjecturing.
It is as if "I" have completed accepted his death, that he is no longer here. I only wonder if this is this right? Is this my way of dealing with the painless(was it?) and terrible manner of death? Am I progressing in my grief and adjustment or just living in denial? I feel it is more of the former.
But I know I just can not abide the sight of an ambulance. It feels so nightmar-ish when I see the ambulance speeding away with some victim in it, helpless subject to the mercilessness of fate. I wonder, only if my dad had been administered the right aid at the right time. I'm choking up right now - what if? what if someone had helped him in a manner to give him a few more mins of precious life. This is painful and I'm going to stop.
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posted by ilovecheese @ Thursday, July 28, 2005
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